You are a thoroughbred!

Horses. Yes, I said it: horses.

I often think about cycling, and how I may be faster at it, and one thing that comes to my mind is ponies. I mean, ponies run fast, right? There is obviously a reason for this. This lizard was compelled to investigate.

The first thing my research revealed was that horses can have like...700 lbs of muscle on them. I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure a 560 lb increase in my lean body mass would be detrimental to my performance. That is my scientific opinion, though, so maybe it is wrong and you should go do it.

I was not to be swayed by this minor mishap, though--my quest for knowledge was not to be stopped! I listed all the things horses do, and how they may equate to MUSCULAR POWER. Here they are:

1) EAT CARROTS
I do this occasionally, but the key difference is that I get my own carrots, and horses have the carrots fed to them by adoring fans like they are delicious treats.
PERFORMANCE TIP: hire someone to stick carrots into your mouth, and pat your nose.

2) WHINNY
Horses often make a giggly exhaling sound. I am convinced that this is some sort of horse mantra that, like, decreases stress or something. You know, like horse yoga.
PERFORMANCE TIP: At random intervals, make a very loud and unsettling sound. You will receive bonus points if there are strangers around.

3) ADULATION/PRAISE
When a human wants a horse to do something, they do not make an angry face and stomp around aggressively. Rather, they smile, talk softly, and give the horse a nice pat on the head.
PERFORMANCE TIP: I find that this works quite well when I would like to make myself go faster: I say, "Yes, that is a good lizard! U TRY HARDER NAO PLX." rather than, "U R A FAT FAT!!!! U SUCK." Yes, the internet has made me think in garbled half-text english. it is a casualty of our technological era.

4) OATS
Horses are always shoveling large portions of dry oats into their mouths. In fact, I have next met a horse that was not willing to let me rub his nose in exchange for an oatmeal treat. IS THIS REAL???
PERFORMANCE TIP: Put oatmeal in your mouth copiously.

5) TWO NAMES
Race horses often have a long, ridiculous name to which they only respond while they are racing, and then a more common, easy-to-say name. Like, a horse can simultaneously be "Don Juan Giovani Nightprancer Jingleslap" and "Bill."
PERFORMANCE TIP: Horses have perfected the art of separating their "casual" selves from their "WARRIORRRRRRR" Ke$ha battle-doing selves. Give yourself a ridiculous nickname and form a separate identity to use while you race. For maximum effectiveness, do not respond to your name, and develop a strange accent.

6) FOUR LEGS
Horses have four legs. Really, google it.
PERFORMANCE TIP: I am sure they could somehow surgically figure this out. Potential problem: leg-implant doping?

7) VERY LARGE NOSTRILS
Clearly, horses have gigantor nostrils. This must allow for an increased uptake of oxygen, which in turn supplies all 720 lbs of their musculature with...science.
PERFORMANCE TIP: Your face is not important. With a sharp object, carefully make your nostrils twice as large. This will be painful, but I think you can do it.

8) HAY
I noticed that horses do not sleep in beds. I mean...they don't, do they?
PERFORMANCE TIP: Sell your double bed, and run out and buy some hay bales. If you are like me, and are violently allergic to hay, you should also invest in a plastic body suit and some claritin.

9) COVERED IN HAIR
Horses entire bodies have little hairs protruding randomly. To the untrained eye, this may seem excessive; however, it is obvious that it is an aerodynamic enhancement of nature.
PERFORMANCE TIP: collect all of your hair. Then, glue it to your body. You know, like a horse.

10) TAILS
Horses have tails. I really was stumped by this feature at first: is it a rudder, for steering? Perhaps it acts as a sort of weather vane, determining currents of wind? Then, it dawned on me: tails are just meant to look cool.
PERFORMANCE TIP: Add as many superflous "cool" things to your arsenal as possible. This includes, but is not limited to: disgustingly expensive bikes, water bottles that match your shoes, shoes that match your helmet, helmets that match your face, sunglasses with interchangeable lenses, tiny flasks filled with sugar paste, etc etc etc etc etc.


In short: Ponies know what is up. See the pony. Be the pony.