Up on my wiggle.

Meow, my friends! Do you get the title? Like...up on my grind?! DO YOU?

Today is yet another day in a series of days that have all become mostly the same, but also different. I find this comforting, the pattern of it all: Get up. Insert caffeine IV drip. Crush. Go to work. Drive around in a golf cart. Rescue lost dog named Mowgli. Knock self out with Melatonin. Repeat.

Since Mr. Scot of bicycle house advised me to stop eating corn syrup, I've lost like...15 lbs! That's practically the weight of a fat baby. Or....Don Pedro. To be fair, he also said to stop drinking 5 beers every weekend night. TRUE WISDOM!!!!! When I finally reach my birth weight, my power to weight ratio will be like...10,000 watts per kilo. I will be unstoppable, like Robert De Niro in Cape Fear. (Imagine a lizard hanging from the undercarriage of your car....BWAHAHAHA.)

So I am currently in the training. Yes. It is fun. There is a calendar, constructed by my marvelous coach Mr. Brady Irwin, of the great and wonderful Science of Speed, filled with boxes of activities. I simply do the activities and transform into a monster. I can say "Sorry, I cannot go eat crepes with you, I have to go put in 80,000 more miles," to people finishing the group rides. The look of confusion they give me is glorious and empowering.


It seems that with this sort of lifestyle, it is impossible to see other humans simply because my whole day is blocked into little sections like a jenga tower. I found this frustrating at first, but then I started talking to my bicycle, and now I live in the pointy part of Maslow's pyramid. OR DO I?! 


Work is truly soul crushing, but I use the time i am not on the golf cart screaming at children to get out of the pool to work on my masterwork of fiction that shall become the next children/adult craze. IT. WILL. SWEET LORD, if only one did not need money in order to bicycle. I swear, I feel my soul being plucked out like a little eyebrow hair, follicle and all, SO SLOWLY EVERYDAY ASDSADG.


When I am wealthier than God, I am going to make some company design me a bike and call it either "Lizard Whip" or "The Wiggle." Tour of the elk grove is in 9 days, and little charlotte and i shall depart in the trusty minivan in 7. 


Also, I got a large pile of Gu items from the amazing Promotive.com today. FREAKING YAY. Here is a picture of my new socks:

Bad bad bopping spokes

Hello, my bicycling minions.

Today was a first in my bicycle handbook, and a terrible first indeed. Like the first christmas you realize  Santa is actually your mother and an embarrassing facial hair thing.

Yes. I broke a spoke. My easton wheels now fill me with negative emotions such as terror, horror, nightsweats, and hallucinations.

I began the day at the buttcrack of dawn, joining the naples velo crew. We were to go peel around Olde Naples at breakneck speeds, head east back towards the Gerrity palace, and then loop up to Bonita and back to the Naples Cyclery for the Tour. And a cookie, for the weak and gluten tolerant.

The mornings in South Florida are not nice so much as they are bearable, but next to the prospect of going out riding during the heat of day, they seem comparatively divine. After 8 AM, Naples becomes a bog.

I am saying this as a preface to my woe; the group ride split up/I was dropped and humiliated don't look at me after about two hours. Me and my new buddies Leslie and Kurt decided to make a Walgreens stop (GATORADE!!!!!! I'm plugging Gatorade.) and then they headed back to the shop to watch Peter Sagan's butt menacing all the civilized world in full HD. I still needed another hour and a half before I reached my 3.5 hour quota....and so on I went. Into the bog.

I think the sound is the weirdest part about riding in naples--not because it's trafficky, but because it's just Naples. It's a combination of weird bugs shrieking and elderly drivers laying on their horns when they notice a bicycle in/on/near the street. I went along at a modest clip, as my soul had just been thoroughly crushed.

 Then--! suddenly! my tire was trying to make out with my fork! LIKE GROSS PDA MUCH. So I stopped, cursed my life, and noticed a spoke dangling from the hub, cleanly cut from the little indenture at the rim side. WHY. WHY DO TINY NINJA SWORDSMEN CURSE ME.

So then I sat there. HM. I said. How convenient for this to happen when I still need to put thirty minutes in. Is the world convinced to see this lizard fail? Maybe. I took off my shoes and resolved to walk to the nearest bike store...five miles south.

But I then realized that Don Pedro was more gimped than I had guessed at first measure! I couldn't just roll the bike next to me, it was too out of true. So i picked him up and saddled him over my shoulder, in the style of firefighters rescuing children, or a sack of potatoes. And so it began.

Just kidding, that got old after like three squares of concrete. I got out my phone and called my mother.

"MOM PICK ME UP," quoth the lizard.

"Oh dear, we're already to the Charlotte airport...."

Ironic, because it was due to the braininess of my little sister, also called Charlotte, that the pair were in the car speeding off toward Gainesville being wooed by the Gators. I needed a new plan.

"I AM HANGING UP, MOTHER." Lizard resolve, level nine.

I called my dad. He did not answer.

"I will just call my friends!" I said. I looked at my phone. I looked up at the sun. I looked back at my phone. I dialed my father a second time.

"Dad," I said "Can you come pick me up?"

"I gotta jump in the shower!"

I could not respond to this, and so resolved to die on the side of the road. But wait! There's more!


This is the moment a nice woman named Tina rode up next to me and took pity on my plight. She called up her husband (I think....?!), Mark, and bade him come collect the sad little creature she had found. And come he did, with his Ford F-150. It was even white.


 I was like, "you are my knight in shining Ford F-150!" and Tina was all "BACK UP OFF MY MAN." 


Just kidding, that didn't really happen.


So that is how I ended up barefoot in the truck of a total stranger. Um. See, my thing is, how can I trust these wheels again!? When it really comes down to it...and the sizable real estate that is my butt is balancing on my 15lb machine...they could just POP OFF. When that day comes....I will tell you all of my asphalt facial. 


UNTIL SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS TO ME,


adieu. 

I'm going to start writing in here more because college is over, and I am a real live adult and I do what I want.

So i woke up today, and I said "HM! HOW CAN I BETTER SERVE MY BLOG FOLLOWERS (all nine of you)!" Note that I said it, and did not ask it, because the Lizard knows all and asks nothing.

ANYWAY, I decided I would tell you all the recipe for a magical smoothie. Yes. It is filled with ingredients. One might even say that it is more like a little liquefied creature than a fruity drink. Yes, you can call him fruity. He is secure in his sexuality.

So here it is.

LIZARD SMOOTHIE OF GREEN POWER AND ORGAN FURY!!!!!!!!!!!

(the exclamation points are part of the title, so you must shout the smoothie's name whenst you refer to him)

STEP ONE:
Get dat blender.
       This is an integral step. Your veggies are not going to puree themselves.

STEP TWO:
Get them bananas.
       Just one actually. Peel that thing.

STEP THREE: Other vegetables.
       Put in some kale. And some other green things you would normally look at and say "That is what food eats." EAT IT, WEAKLING. also, add a lemon. And the secret!? CINNAMON. put it in. DO NOT QUESTION THE LIZARD

STEP FOUR: some fruity junk
      Now you can put in any fruit that you like. DO IT. You need vitamins, little nugget! I like mango. Generally just add whatever you like.

STEP FIVE: put some liquid in there! and ice!
     because if you just try blending dry things, your blender will catch fire or explode. trust me,  I KNOW.

STEP SIX: taste it
      is it disgusting? if you said yes, slap yourself and apologize to the smoothie. If you said no, then get a straw and drink that thing.

Sometimes, i put protein in it too, but be warned, this will make the smoothie revolting no matter what is in it! TRULY REVOLTING, the taste of yucky fruit milk! I am not lying.

ENJOY!!!!!!

Love,

A person with happy organs