Life Confusion

This, 'Life Confusion', has become an operative term in my vocabulary. I define it as follows:

Life Confusion (/līf/ /kənˈfyo͞oZHən/)

Noun. 
1. An unending state of adultolescent uncertainty and/or panic. The fundamental breakdown of all understanding.
2. A chaotic, flailing search for meaning.

You see, I am a sort of wishy washy girl. I like many things and I feel many life directions tugging at me. I feel often like a leaf that will simply bramble in whichever direction has the most momentary purpose.

My question to you, dear readers, is how, with a million, million things, do you choose simply one thing? My question is, why? My questions are numerous and unwavering. My questions are a ceaseless barrage against my brain that I cannot answer.

For a time I believed cycling to be the answer to these questions, the same way I believed running, or comedy, or Lady Gaga; but I see I put too much store by these things. Because in the end, they are only things. And that is my problem. This blog is supposed to be about cycling, it was supposed to be a way to connect different parts of my brain in a way that would allow them to make sense of one another and become friendly. Because the cycling and the writing are divergent things, one feeling and the other cold--but who can say which is which? You see, the more I cycle and the further I go down this path, the more I see I am unlike these people I meet, the wonderful, dedicated, strong people who are so sure of this thing they are meant to do. I am not like them. I am not sure of anything.

So, this is a hard thing, the uncertainty, it is like floating in a bathtub in the middle of the ocean and wondering what direction to begin paddling this porcelain dinghy, how, where, why! WHY! For now, I cup my hands and continue to float.