Today is yet another day in a series of days that have all become mostly the same, but also different. I find this comforting, the pattern of it all: Get up. Insert caffeine IV drip. Crush. Go to work. Drive around in a golf cart. Rescue lost dog named Mowgli. Knock self out with Melatonin. Repeat.
Since Mr. Scot of bicycle house advised me to stop eating corn syrup, I've lost like...15 lbs! That's practically the weight of a fat baby. Or....Don Pedro. To be fair, he also said to stop drinking 5 beers every weekend night. TRUE WISDOM!!!!! When I finally reach my birth weight, my power to weight ratio will be like...10,000 watts per kilo. I will be unstoppable, like Robert De Niro in Cape Fear. (Imagine a lizard hanging from the undercarriage of your car....BWAHAHAHA.)
So I am currently in the training. Yes. It is fun. There is a calendar, constructed by my marvelous coach Mr. Brady Irwin, of the great and wonderful Science of Speed, filled with boxes of activities. I simply do the activities and transform into a monster. I can say "Sorry, I cannot go eat crepes with you, I have to go put in 80,000 more miles," to people finishing the group rides. The look of confusion they give me is glorious and empowering.
It seems that with this sort of lifestyle, it is impossible to see other humans simply because my whole day is blocked into little sections like a jenga tower. I found this frustrating at first, but then I started talking to my bicycle, and now I live in the pointy part of Maslow's pyramid. OR DO I?!
Work is truly soul crushing, but I use the time i am not on the golf cart screaming at children to get out of the pool to work on my masterwork of fiction that shall become the next children/adult craze. IT. WILL. SWEET LORD, if only one did not need money in order to bicycle. I swear, I feel my soul being plucked out like a little eyebrow hair, follicle and all, SO SLOWLY EVERYDAY ASDSADG.
When I am wealthier than God, I am going to make some company design me a bike and call it either "Lizard Whip" or "The Wiggle." Tour of the elk grove is in 9 days, and little charlotte and i shall depart in the trusty minivan in 7.
Also, I got a large pile of Gu items from the amazing Promotive.com today. FREAKING YAY. Here is a picture of my new socks:
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