A LIZARD IN THE VALLEY: Cannon falls? More like...can you not falls ALL OVER THE PLACE

AUGH. MORE I WRITE. And all for you people!! I am excited anyone even reads this, really. I should not complain.

So anyway. Here we go:

THURSDAY, wee morning hours

I had planned to wake up early, because--as team manager--I decided that we should get on the road off toward Cannon Falls at promptly 1:15. Why this arbitrary time? Well, everyone knows that the quarter hours are used only by the suave and professional. Hence, 1:15.

My alarm went off at 7:30, which had sounded reasonable the night before, but in the grim light of day I knew that there was no way I was getting up. I slept two more hours.

THURSDAY, later.

I finally dragged myself from my luxurious lizard nest and into the kitchen. "Coffee," I said, to no one, as Lynette and Michael are real people with jobs, "I need coffee." I taught/reminded myself quickly to use a french press, partly via the magic of youtube. The result was a glorious punch in the mouth.

I waited a few minutes for the caffeine to start my heart beating again, and then donned stretchy pink lycra for some quick morning suffering.

THURSDAY, 12:30

Ride over. I showered and got everything I could possibly think of that one might need in a road race--extra guus, extra bottles. I generally just brought anything I had duplicates of, just in case there might be some foreign need for it. Toothpaste? Check. Drawstring bag? Check. CHECK. ALL THE CHECKS.

I rode over to Laura and Vanessa's accommodations and we discussed the order I was to hand them bottles in. Water, for example, was to be given first, unless there was some sort of split-second communication in which I would be told to give NOT water, and hand something else instead.. Or something like that.

It was a harrowing experience, and I was filled with anxiety about these handoffs. They happen so fast! I, a humble lizard, am the only barrier between the rosebandit warriors and an unquenchable thirst! I don't care who you are, that is some responsibility. I was atlas, with a thirsty globe upon my back. THIRST.

I went to the store for ice, water, and a coke to feed Vanessa after she had suffered sufficiently in the race; once I had accomplished these things, we were ready to depart.

THURSDAY, 1:30

I drove the ladies, thanks to siri, to Cannon Falls, all the while driving like an idiot because I was thinking so intently about how I would accomplish bottle handoffs to two riders with only myself and my lizard wiles to aid me. I think I got the adrenaline flowing, maybe.

THURSDAY, 2:30

We arrived at team parking and set about readying the ladies for war!!! WAR!!!! All that pre-race nonsense, you know. We agreed on a firm bottle-giving schedule, and this gave me some degree of solace and comfort in that I would not ruin the race for them by accident.

Once I was certain VDrigo and Lapars were prepared, I returned to our valiant Dodge Caravan and sallied forth to feed zone one. Once there, I commenced the waiting. The waiting. And the waiting. Feed zoning, it seems, is like millwork. It is an awful boring job. MUSICAL THEATRE JOKE. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

So, I sat there, and played Ke$ha loudly and was stared at by the entire volunteer squadron--which seemed to be comprised solely of high school boys. They did handstands in the street, and offended a farmer on a 4-wheeler. When the farmer came over to my car to take a picture of the license plates of all of our cars, I tried to yell, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I'M NOT WITH THEM!" But he was unconcerned with this distinction.

After this excitement, the men came through. I was giddy with happiness, as this meant that the women would soon come through, and that meant that I would get to leave this vacant field in The Middle of Nowhere, Minnesota. Though, its piggy smell had begun to grow on me. Alas.

The group slinked up the incline toward the feedzone, a compact peloton against the winds (which were blustery, I must say). I handed Laura her bottle without issue, though some other girl tried to take it (!!!!); VDrigo opted for no fluids at this time.

I BEEZ IN THE TRAP, BEEZ, BEEZ IN THE TRAP!

THURSDAY, Mile 30 (ha! I used something besides time! I DO WHAT I WANT)

Once the girls were beyond me, I jumped back into the car and gunned it after the caravan. Sitting very, very last, after a couple sharing a moped (WHY?), I felt almost part of the proceeding! How joyous for me. During my time "in" the caravan, I noticed a Kowalski/Collegiate all-star rider girl changing a flat and then jumping back after the peloton. I must mention her, as I wanted so much to motor pace her back up the the peloton! Isn't that the point of a team car?! Hers just abandoned her and sped back up to the group, leaving her! A poor lonesome college starlet! I am not sure if this is the rule, but I was forced to watch her doggedly chasing for several moments, facepalming, and screaming through my closed windows "HELP HERRRRRRR."

THURSDAY, Mile 72

I arrived at the second feedzone approximately one hour til the women's peloton was to arrive. With no possible way to know what in tarnation was happening, I was relegated to that lowest form of social media...the twitter.

NVGP's twitter campaign was helpful, but certainly not stellar in its coverage. Truly, to tweet that there is a crash and then not tell the gasping audience of your tweet who was injured!? THAT IS SO CRUEL, NATURE VALLEY.

I learned later that this crash did, as I feared, impact Parsons, who was forced to chase strenuously after the peloton. She told me that she was paced at 36 miles per hour to get back on, and I wondered how this was not harder than the actual race. Apparently, I am sophomoric and amateur.

The crash, though bad for Lapars, set Vdrigo up for a moment of success; she jumped after an attack and found herself in a three woman break. They established about a minute lead over the peloton, and gobbled up some Queen of the Hill points before being swallowed back up. I tweeted frantically about this, and would just like to mention how grateful I am to have the opportunity to tweet "SoSwissSoFast" and have a legitimate reason to do so. THANK YOU, VANESSA.

The pair came into the feedzone relatively close together, and both got their bottles without much issue. I AM LIZARD. I hand bottles like a champ.

THURSDAY, later.

I followed the colavita, optum, and tibco cars back out of the rural wilderness and into the "metropolis" of Cannon Falls. I discovered that these team cars drive exactly how they race bikes, and was filled with an unholy terror as I watched Colavita's van drafting the optum van, and then both vans divebomb the right turn onto CO road 19. This recklessness, it is a thing I must learn!

We made it back into town just as the racers were entering their finishing circuits--and HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS, I have never been so floored by speed. I mean, consider that these racers have just completed ninety miles of gnarly, hill-infested, pedal mashing. They have been in the sun for four hours, hands crunched around their drop bars, WAITING for something to happen. FOR FOUR HOURS. I am not kidding you when I say I have never seen these women go so fast. It was full-gas, criterium-style, on a course probably half of the remaining riders had not ridden before. Carnage ensued.

Optum hit the front hard and did not look back. A break of Tibco and Lululemon riders went and was drawn back, and then there were two laps remaining. I scoured the peloton for Laura and Vanessa, and willed them hang on with all of my lizard heart!! For the life of me, I do not know how they survived.

CAN YOU TELL...

But survive they did! The race ended and I have never seen them both filled with such happiness to be finished. I tended to my soigneur duties, and took them home for ice baths, and bed.

....that these are video screen captures...

....because they are.

A jersey update:

Jade wilcoxen, that godly woman, threw the hammer down for first place tonight and proved herself the strongest of the strongwomen. She keeps yellow. Tayler Wiles moves back into white. Brianna Walle keeps the jelly belly! Kimberly wells, blue, that crusher of souls; Flavia Oliveira wears red and Kat Hall, green.

Jade Wilcoxen wins by what appears to be 27,000,000 bikes lengths.

Tomorrow, the ladies are back for more, the Uptown crit is stage 4 and it is sure to be monstrous. Wish them all the luck! What do you need it for?! GIVE IT TO THEM!!!

More tomorrow,

your faithful, fangirling lizard