"My father says she was born lucky. He says I was lucky to be born. I don't need luck, though. I don't want it. I've always had to struggle and fight, and that's made me strong. It made me who I am."
This is an avatar the last Airbender quote. Zuko, a character defined by pride (and, simultaneously, shame) says it to everyone and no one in a moment of weakness. Or, it may have been a moment of strength. It is difficult to tell.
But anyway. Yes, an interesting segue. I have often told myself that my short reach has been of my own making. If I only believed I could do it--then I could! But the brain is my weakest muscle, and i remind myself of this often. Today was such a day.
SUNDAY, morning
We awoke, ate, and went for our spin. Vanessa made pancakes. PANCAKES!!!! Also, they were gluten free. This is an important distinction. After our ride we laid around and I had high hopes for the afternoon. This was a new day, after all! I told myself this daily and after every disappointment--there is always another race. There is the next race, or there is nothing at all. I don't leave myself much of a choice.
SUNDAY, 3:00
WE arrived at the course, somewhat later than I might have liked. I had that feeling, you know, the one that you've forgotten something. Or, that something isn't quite right. I don't know. Maybe I am retroactively adding this feeling. I don't think I am.
I warmed up, and remember thinking about how hot it was. GOD, was it hot! And I mean, I live in florida! WHAT IS MY EXCUSE!!!! I AM SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT HOT. I drank my obligatory redbull, and prepared for battle.
The start was a cluster of butts and spandex, a sweaty hell. I let Laura Van Gilder pass me to get her glorious call up, and some other girl promptly followed in LVG's wake and planted her ass directly upon my right brake hood. Really?! REALLY GIRL????? It was all the stupidity you come to expect from the start. I frowned and resolved to pass her quickly.
Anyway. It began. I hit my clip in (I am getting good at that), but the girl did not move. She simply did not! I almost shouted, "MOVE IT, SISTER!!" but I refrained of course, because I am a polite gentlewoman and what would this accomplish? Would my shouting move her butt from my path? Of course not.
Eventually she did get going, and consequently I did as well. We were promptly stopped by some somersaulting ladies in the first corner. "Wow," I thought, "this is going to be a great race." In my mind, there is sarcasm. But it doesn't translate to text, I guess.
So, I went to the gutter to hop around the bedraggled, fallen ladies. Whoop whoop! I was around. I looked up the road, and back. I was in the top 20! I took a forward moving wheel. Top 10!? I looked forward and saw nothing. This was a familiar sensation, except usually I am dropped and staring longingly at the empty road hoping to summon the strength to bridge back up at 35 mph.
Anyway. This went on for some time. Lap after lap, even in the front, the corners sucked and people were slowing a great deal for them. And then, there was the heat. Dear god! I don't know if it was because I was so tired, or what, but after about 30 minutes...I began to feel like a floppy piece of cardboard, saddled aboard this machine, flailing about trying to make it go. It was no error of position, it was a failing of my human body! MY STUPID BODY FAILED ME. How frustrating.
I saw vanessa behind me at several points, but at this moment she passed me once more and for the final time. I would not see her again. I was relegated to my usual last-place yoyoing, and after a time i could not continue.
So what is the lesson here? I was aggressive, as I thought I should be. And I should be! I did everything I told myself I had to in those first few moments--get up front, and stay there, and wait for the prime! Because that has been a goal. To win a prime lap. I don't care if it is $50 or $500 but I want one! I can do it, too! I was up front and ready but then I could not sustain. This is a weakness in my training, I think, and it is a thing I must address.
Anyway. I try harder tomorrow. For now, I am tired. GOODNIGHT
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